The Complete Groupie Trilogy Read online

  “That’s bullshit and you know it,” he yelled as he jumped up. “I was there every second and I would have been there no matter what the result had been.”

  “Really?” I challenged. “You’re sure looking for the door now, aren’t you? Well there it is, Vanni. Go live your exciting life full of concerts and fans and a whole lot of half-relationships and fake people. But if you turn your back on what we have just because you’re a little scared you can’t measure up, that is your choice and your mistake.”

  There were tears in his eyes as he faced me. “I’m not turning my back on you. I’m saying we need to slow it down. It’s not fair to either of us…”

  “You mean it’s not fair to you,” I corrected. “This whole relationship hasn’t been fair to me. You expect me to abide by your rules and then when things get a little uncomfortable for you, you want to bail.”

  He advanced on me until his hands were on either side of my face, cupping me in an iron grip. “I told you I’m not leaving you. I love you,” he said, and then dissolved into tears of his own. “I love you.” He kissed me hard, maybe to punish me, maybe to prove something to himself, but I didn’t care. I responded anyway.

  My heart was in this. And I was going to fight for it, even if he was too stupid to figure out what he wanted.

  When he felt himself stir against me he just pulled me close in a tight embrace. “See what you do to me?” he whispered. “I couldn’t let you go if I tried.” He rested his forehead to mine. “I just want to take it slow for a while.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Back to condoms,” he said with a lopsided grin that made me laugh despite myself. “Then, I dunno. Maybe let time take care of itself.”

  That sounded ominous, but at that moment I was too afraid to ask for any clarification. He was in my arms when he could have walked right out the door. That had to mean something.

  In a few months, when he had some distance and perspective from this little scare, then we could re-evaluate where we go from there.

  In the meantime I had one more moment, one more opportunity. And I knew that I was far too invested to walk away now. I would find a way to make this work. No matter what.

  ~Andy~

  The tour rolled on across the country, and despite my instinct to stick close to Vanni after our tumultuous visit in San Francisco there was really no justifiable reason to chase after him from city to city. I could have made it work for my job, of course, but at the same time he wanted to take it slow and I wanted to show him that I respected that.

  It was a big scare not easily forgotten by either of us the rest of my trip in San Francisco, which included one lackluster attempt to make love before my least favorite aunt decided to finally show up, thereby ruining the entire visit in not just one way but two.

  I was thrown decidedly off center and unsure how to maintain our relationship other than just give him the space he needed to figure out it wasn’t the end of the world. We had a scare, sure, but that helped us be smarter about our sexual relationship so we could put off any “accidents” until we were ready to have kids.

  Thinking of Vanni in this context was my guilty pleasure; I knew that he had not made me any promises for the future aside from declaring his love for me. I took it the next logical step, even when I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But there were several indicators that he was sincere in his love for me. He took care of me in San Francisco, especially after we got back from the hospital. Even though he wanted to take it slow he still stayed in my room and was particularly attentive.

  Passion took a back seat to affection, which seemed all the more loving to me. So he couldn’t say what he wanted, maybe he didn’t even know. But if he stayed with me it meant that I meant more to him than just a casual fling, so I held that in my heart even though I was terribly insecure what he had meant when he said he wanted to slow things down.

  After I came home he still sent me text messages and emails, and I’d get the occasional call before he went to bed. They were fewer and farther between than they had been before the tour, but that was to be expected. He was in the fast lane now. Even just one email a week or a random text for no other reason than just say, “Wish you were here,” meant his heart was in the right place even if he didn’t have the time to invest into our relationship.

  The reviews indicated the boys were really making a splash now that they had hit the national stage. I began to channel the energy I would have spent on him on his image and the image of the band. The forums were exploding with new fans, especially the ones who got to participate in the V.I.P. parties in each city.

  My original concern that people were getting a bit too familiar grew with some of the participants on the message boards. I had no problems with their finding Vanni sexy, or even entertaining the idea they may one day be able to be with him. But some seemed to take it to an unhealthy extreme, and their bragging about the special time they got to spend with him made me wonder what was really going on after those concerts.

  I couldn’t see Vanni spending any significant time in acquiring road trophies by anonymous one night stands.

  But then again, he certainly had time to spend with me when I’d travel to see his gigs. The only real difference was that I wasn’t a groupie trying to bed the big rock star.

  Was I?

  And besides, he really had wanted to be with me more than just a brief sexual conquest just because I was convenient. Didn’t he?

  By the time the band headed back to NYC for a homecoming towards the end of the tour, I gently interjected myself into the festivities. I volunteered my services for Iris and Alana, as well as with Jacob, who were orchestrating the entire affair. When I called Vanni to let him know I was going to be able to come to town, he seemed appropriately happy about it and offered to let me stay at his apartment, which made me feel a lot better about things.

  Yet there was still a dark hidden piece of me that was almost looking for any crack in the veneer, any half-hearted response, any change in his M.O., such as texting or emailing me more frequently before I got into town.

  By the time I stepped out of the cab in front of his apartment my hands shook with such anxiety it was hard to fit my spare key into the door.

  “Hello?” I called out as I stepped into the foyer. “Vanni?”

  My voice echoed down the hallway but went unanswered. With a sigh I drug my two suitcases to the bedroom. It was still fairly early but I knew that he and the band rigorously rehearsed their new stage show. Vanni was a tireless perfectionist and wanted it to be better and more impressive each time they hit the stage.

  This was one of the reasons I couldn’t believe he was off screwing groupies by the dozen. By the time he finished a show he was dog tired and ready to get some sleep so he could do it all again the next day.

  I was able to run down to the neighborhood store, grab some ingredients for dinner and prepare him a small meal by the time he stopped back by the house at 3:00 p.m. He found me in the kitchen and greeted me with a hug and kiss.

  I could feel the wariness in his body.

  “You look tired,” I said as I brushed his hair out of his face.

  “I am,” he admitted. “I was going to try and get a nap for about an hour.” He glanced over and spied the dinner I had prepared. “What’d you do?”

  “Just a little something,” I said. “I know you. You probably haven’t eaten since this morning.”

  He laughed and pulled me back into his arms. “This is all I need.” He kissed my neck. “Feel like joining me for a nap?”

  He kissed me softly and allowed his hand to roam lovingly over the curve of my hip.

  “If I go you won’t get a nap,” I reminded.

  “I’ll risk it,” he said as he picked me up and carried me off to the bedroom.

  He did sneak in a nap after our brief but intense reunion, and by 5:00 he had showered, eaten and was back out the door. We agreed that I would arrive separately, so I didn’t le
ave until an hour or so later. I called Jacob from the cab.

  Of all my friends he knew the most about my relationship with Vanni. He wasn’t privy to what happened in San Francisco, I still hadn’t managed to share that with anyone. But he knew that I was staying with Vanni, though he was threatened on pain of death telling Vanni that he knew.

  This was the world I now shared with my friends. We all spoke in code, trusting that we “understood” secret meanings without having to say the actual words. Because of this I sensed that there were things he wasn’t telling me either. Sadly he wasn’t as forthcoming with me as I had been with him, but I followed his lead in not asking any questions.

  I figured it had something to do with Lourdes, who I already knew was due any day. Despite her going back to South America, rumors abounded that she was “in the family way,” substantiated so far a blurry photo of an extremely pregnant brunette who, though she wore big dark glasses and a hat, some believed looked enough like Lourdes to be published in the national tabloids.

  With a summer release date for her debut acting stint in an action feature, it was a pretty big story that had Jasper scrambling. There were precious few months left on the year-contract Athena had renegotiated for Vegas, and I already knew that Jasper wanted to make sure that he could re-sign her before he brought Lourdes back to New York just in time for her own press junket for her movie. There was no room for error in this delicate balancing act.

  Though no one said as much, I somehow suspected Lourdes might be pressuring Jasper to make an honest woman of her. He was once again squeezed by his indiscretion as it doubled back to bite him in the ass right when he didn’t need the extra stress, and it had everyone on edge.

  Vanni shared his concerns with me one night with a frustrated phone call, when his name was linked in the rag mags as being the deadbeat dad playing rock star when his former flame might be nine months pregnant and in another country. Nothing bothered him more than the perception he could be so irresponsible. I personally thought he just never wanted be known as a guy who could let anyone down.

  He had cultivated a certain image, and that was as a sex god on the stage but a sensitive romantic hero through his songs. If Lourdes and Jasper managed to let the rumor stand unchallenged that he was the dad, it would blow his carefully crafted image all to hell. All the women who worshipped him would believe he was worse than just another guy, one that put his own best interest above anything else.

  I don’t think anything scared him more than being associated with the likes of his dad.

  So everyone had something to lose, whether the truth was told or concealed. My sympathy, of course, was with Vanni and with Athena. Jasper and Lourdes made their choices, and there were times when I thought it would have been better if the story just broke so everything could straighten itself out.

  But I wasn’t in charge of that part of the PR.

  Jacob gave me a big hug when I arrived, and we headed up to our special seats in the balcony. Like the rest of the tour, both Kat and Wenonah were included in the show, doing some impressive pole work during the songs under a blue laser light show.

  Like the shows before he sang my song to the entire first row, and made each fan fall in love with him all over again. One reached out for a kiss which he deftly averted, offering his cheek instead. I knew I should be used to how bold they could be thinking that he belonged to them, especially since he had been expressly marketed for such. I was beginning to suspect, however, I’d never get used to it.

  Jacob squeezed my hand in support, but I already knew what he was thinking. You couldn’t own someone who belonged to the whole world, and expecting anything else was self-destructive. No matter how he touched me when we were alone, or the whispers he’d drop in my ears – the Vanni the whole world got to see was community property.

  We had a small window between the gig and the meet and greet, which was held at a nearby hotel. Many of the fans had booked rooms there at a discount, so all they had to do was simply go downstairs. For the rest of us it was a slight walk and even shorter cab ride. Jacob and I walked together, while the band took a limo.

  “So what’s new with you?” I asked, feeling like a shit that wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth when I saw him. We spent entirely too little time together as it was, although he was a regular instant messaging buddy.

  He just shrugged. “Dating this one guy but I don’t think it’s going to work. He has money, which is a nice plus, but he drinks like a fish. Sometimes I don’t even think I know anything about him because I don’t get more than ten minutes of sober time.”

  I rubbed his arm. Jacob wasn’t necessarily looking for true love. But he was in his 30s and had decided that he was done with the dating scene. Like the rest of us he just wanted somewhere to belong, and two arms to go home to at night.

  He grinned down at me. “How about you? Are you engaged yet?”

  I laughed out loud. “You know the answer to that,” I said as I snuggled in the crook of his arm as we turned a corner. “Things are… okay. I mean, I think it’s good. Even though he’s so tired from the tour, it’s hard to get any quality time with him when I see him on the road.”

  Jacob nodded. He understood. “I’m happy for you, Andy,” he said, and I knew he was sincere. Yet I still sensed a “but” coming.

  “But…?”

  He sighed. “I just worry you’re spinning your wheels. This world isn’t normal on the best of occasions. I’d hate to see you invest any more time than necessary in someone who just can’t give the same back to you.”

  I didn’t say anything. Jacob always believed the relationship I had with Vanni to be a fling. And in fact that was what he advised it to be. Still, I didn’t want to put an expiration date on it just yet. I still got butterflies when I thought about Vanni, and knowing I’d get to sleep next to him that night made my heart soar. Putting up with all the rest of it so far was worth those stolen moments when I had him all to myself.

  I didn’t expect Jacob to understand.

  “I love you,” I told him – which was code to say, “I appreciate your concern and I love you for it, but I’m going to do it my way for now.”

  He nodded and then opened the door to the hotel.

  There was already a line at the door for the meeting room where we were setting up the fan meet and greet. The throng of excited groupies chatted animatedly as they waited, and I could see they were counting the minutes until the band arrived.

  Vanni dominated as far as female fans were concerned, but the other guys had their fair share of female admirers. Even Alana had mentioned a few problems Iain had on the road with those who wanted to hook up after a show. Unlike Vanni, Iain didn’t encourage this attention, and really kept to himself when they weren’t at a show or an organized event like this one. For that I envied Alana, whose relationship with Iain was both strong and public.

  I tried to ignore that pull in my gut that said it was because she knew he had chosen her that it was so strong. They could go public because he had no misgivings, no second thoughts – no desire to find something “better.”

  Vanni had not yet made that decision, one that, if being honest with myself, I had.

  I tried not to be jealous as I walked into the room and saw Alana laughing and busying herself with different tasks to help organize the event. She and Iris both skipped the concert. The only reason Jacob had gone was because I wanted to go.

  It was my own real time to spend with Vanni, unlike Alana who lived with Iain. Iris and Jacob had no real desire to spend a lot of time with this specific band. There were scores of interesting people on their roster, and Iris’s was getting fuller by the day.

  So they were able to invest their time on a part-time basis, whereas I only got to see the man I loved a handful of times a year. When he sang my songs, I wanted to be there. Even though he couldn’t sing directly to me anymore, it was an intimate moment just knowing our relationship had inspired such beautiful music.

 
; I was definitely a fan, but I still refused the idea I was a groupie. I got too much in return from Vanni to be lumped in that group. It wasn’t that I denigrated the groupie status; that was fine if all you did was go to a show. Maybe that’s all they needed.

  I wanted more. And his actions and his words had shown me I could have it.

  I tingled just thinking about his hands on my body, his mouth against my skin.

  I couldn’t wait for this M&G to be over.

  Fifteen minutes later the doors opened and the crowd was allowed inside. Fifteen minutes after that the doors swung open and the band entered to deafening screams. Vanni brought up the rear, and by the time the fans saw him they were ready to shatter into a million pieces just from the anticipation alone.

  I smiled as I stood on the sidelines, watching him work the room. Every now and then he’d send a smile my direction which would touch me like a physical caress. I wanted to get him home.

  But the fans came first. They were the bosses. They paid his paycheck and he treated each one with due respect and consideration.

  The fan who had kissed him in the front row at the concert grew fairly familiar as she stood next to him. She touched his arm, stood close enough to reach up and talk to him as he towered over her. She followed him around when he moved on to the next fan. He took it all in stride but I kept my eye on her for the rest of the evening, growing more concerned when I watched her keep him in her sights until only a handful of people remained.

  She inhaled him with her eyes, with a possessive look I knew she couldn’t claim. He hadn’t been attracted to her, and treated her well but not with any special flirty attention he bestowed on her friend.

  She didn’t seem to take well to that.

  When it became clear the stragglers were not going to leave until the band did, they bowed and said a general “goodnight” to everyone and no one in particular. As soon as they left I wanted to chase after Vanni, but I kept up appearances by helping the gang break down the room with the help of a cleaning crew.