The Complete Groupie Trilogy Read online

  He even tried to get a few of his underlings to try and convince me to join the payroll.

  There was nothing hidden about our budding relationship, and I was curious how that information would filter down through the ranks until it reached Vanni.

  We stayed late in his office on a conference call, and then stopped by a West Hollywood hot spot for dinner before we finally drove back home. He had no real drive to linger in the club scene, and I had never been fond of the nightlife myself.

  We were content to grab some ice cream at the local market and then go sit out on a blanket listening to the darkened waves crash against the shore just outside his backdoor.

  It felt comfortable. We had become close friends over the last few months, and there were things I could share with him about my parents I hadn’t been able to share before. Maybe Vanni had opened that door for me.

  But I remained closed-mouthed about my relationship with Vanni, and Graham seemed loathe to ask. He did, however, tell me about his past relationships and what he thought went wrong in both.

  In both he felt his workaholic ways robbed him of time spent with the one he loved. As he approached 50 he lamented on the time he could not get back, rather than the enormous bank account, two houses and assortment of cars.

  “That’s why I’m willing to take the time in future relationships,” he said, and I knew he referred to us. “This is the gift,” he motioned to how we sat together on the blanket, feeding each other ice cream. “I’m not going to forsake it again.”

  He paused, as if waiting for me to comment on what he said, or even what our relationship was. Finally he asked, “And what are you looking for, Andy?”

  This was dangerous territory. We hadn’t really talked about what was happening between us anymore than we talked about my past with Vanni. Perhaps he suspected they were both entangled.

  He was right.

  I shrugged as I put the spoon back in the empty container. “I don’t know if I was ever looking for anything in particular,” I finally said. “Up until February I wasn’t even thinking in terms of forever, relationship-wise anyway.”

  “What happened in February?” he asked softly.

  “I missed my period,” I admitted without looking him in the eye. He just pulled his legs up to his chest and waited. “For about a half hour I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not, but the possibility was right there staring me in the face. I started to think about how my life would change. As scared as I was, I was also kind of excited, you know? It just made sense.”

  “So what happened?”

  “I found out I was dehydrated and exhausted, but not pregnant. But something in me changed. Like a mental switch was flipped. When I thought of that lifetime commitment of being a parent, suddenly a lifetime commitment to someone I loved didn’t seem so scary.”

  “But it didn’t flip for the person you loved,” he concluded.

  “No,” I said sadly. “If anything it broke. He took another direction entirely.”

  He reached over to gently rub my back. “I’m sorry, Andy. This may sound trite and self-serving but, maybe it was for the best.”

  I chuckled humorlessly. “It didn’t feel like it at the time.”

  “It never does,” he agreed. “But this way you know what you want. And you can find someone who wants the same thing.”

  I glanced over at him then. He stared into my eyes for a long moment before he bent in for a kiss. I let his mouth move tenderly over mine, but pulled away before he could deepen it. “And what do you want, Graham?” I whispered.

  “You,” he said without hesitation. He gently eased me back on the blanket and I allowed him to position his body over mine. Despite this intimacy, he was content to hold my hand in his as we made out like teenagers in the sand. He didn’t press me or try to seduce me. He was content just with the kiss.

  Either that or he was afraid anything else would scare me away, which it probably would. I had to take it slow into any new relationship, because every time I closed my eyes I still saw Vanni’s face.

  I shivered in spite of myself, and Graham lifted his mouth from mine. “Are you getting cold?”

  “A little,” I lied.

  “Let’s go in,” he said. “You can get under a nice, warm blanket. And I can take an ice cold shower.”

  I laughed as he pulled me to my feet, and he cradled me in one arm as we walked back to his house.

  The next few days followed the same pattern. I spent my mornings with Alana, either at the house, her place or on the phone. I’d eat lunch with Graham and spend the afternoon at his offices, learning a bit more about the PR process. We’d eat dinner out and then spend our nights just talking or making out, but he’d always put the brakes on before we could get too worked up.

  He seemed to understand I was still working it through, probably because I was more compliant than enthusiastic. If we were to get past first base it would have to be me initiating the play.

  The man had the patience of a saint; I was sure he needed to blast himself with arctic cold water each night just to go to sleep. I myself was reaching a more frustrating plateau, but didn’t feel right using Graham in that way. I wasn’t completely sure it was Graham I wanted, or if he would be a substitute for something (or someone) else.

  So each night I would politely kiss him goodnight before retiring to my room and snuggling down in my pajamas to fight fitfully through the night trying not to dream of anyone in particular.

  By the time for the first fan event I was a bundle of nerves and frustration, and even more confused than ever. I was fairly certain I’d be testing the theory behind spontaneous combustion if Vanni so much as spared me a glance.

  As it turned out I didn’t need to worry about that, as Vanni barely acknowledged my presence at all. Unlike the other band members, who gave me a hug and a hello, Vanni arrived late enough that he had to go straight into his M&G rather than hang out with anyone. Faithful on his arm was Kat, who at least gave me a wave, but had her hands full letting the fans know that any romantic spot with Vanni was already taken.

  It seemed to me Vanni was put off for a variety of reasons, and that could indeed have been one of them, but he kept his distance even with his other band mates. Also breaking from tradition he left earlier than anyone else, and didn’t spend any real time with anyone in particular except for Kat.

  This caused a great disturbance with the fans, who felt short-changed by his hurried M&G. Alana and I spent the remainder of our night appeasing those discontented with the quality of time spent with their idol. It also didn’t escape our notice they were most vocally upset that Kat had something to do with it.

  Regardless, tickets and spaces sold out quick for the remainder of the events. This included a special concert premiering new material as well as a Q & A with the band, as well as the birthday dinner with Vanni himself.

  Perhaps they held out hope that on his birthday at least he’d be more receptive.

  I kept mum about the M&G details with Graham when I finally made it home. He’d given me his Lexus to drive while I was in town, and by the fourth day in L.A. I had it sort of somewhat down. Driving late at night was the trick. There was still traffic but I could easier navigate things like freeways without a crush of cars.

  It was so late, in fact, I could mumble something about being tired and skip our nightly routine so I could lick my wounds in private. While I didn’t want the added complication of Vanni’s attention, I didn’t realize how badly it would devastate my floundering ego that he paid me no attention whatsoever.

  He truly didn’t need me anymore.

  I lay on the bed, my mind racing over what could have possibly been wrong. I reached for my cell phone on the night stand, briefly overcome with the impulse to text him, but left it there untouched.

  I didn’t think I could handle his outright rejection any more than I could confuse the situation with Graham. I had to keep my distance. And suddenly that got a lot easier to do. Maybe it reall
y was better this way.

  But I tossed and I turned all night as I thought about Vanni with Kat, and wondered if they were as cozy as they seemed at the event at home. Was she truly the only one who could get to him these days?

  Kudos to her, I supposed, for finally breaking through.

  The next night was the concert, where they played old material (including my songs) as well as new material from the upcoming CD that was due to drop on New Year’s Day. Everyone present for the fan event got a pre-release copy.

  I noticed that they had fine-tuned their stage show to be more of a production than a concert. Kat was front and center, from “Wanting Her” when she caught his attention all the way to his declaration of love. Gone were the days of Vanni’s coming down into the audience to sing to each girl, which led to even more rumbling.

  Some fans were frankly pissed off that their idol was now saving all of his affection for the girl writhing around on stage.

  I kept my eye on Talia, who didn’t show much emotion while she observed these new developments. Tawnie seemed more visibly upset, especially when she tried her level best to get Vanni’s attention and failed.

  It was much easier for me to keep an eye on their reaction to these changes than face my own bitter resentment that my songs now told a visual story of his relationship to someone else.

  Instead I played defense with some of the fans, who needed a sounding board to vent their growing frustration. This compounded when Vanni blew off the after-party with nothing more than a casual run through before he was gone again.

  By the time I headed back to Graham’s I was pretty peeved myself. Not only was he being an enormous dickhead, I was the one having to juggle and manage all his irate fans. It was like I was being punished twice.

  Maybe that was the method to his madness.

  The next day was the Q&A, and I was really curious how he would blow that off. I showed up early to prepare the room for the event, and much to my surprise spun right into the massive chest of the man I least expected to see.

  Was I imagining things or was he aggravated to see me?

  “Hello,” I offered.

  “Hello,” was all he said before he sidestepped me and stalked away.

  I wasn’t imagining things. He was mad at me.

  Instead of seeking him out I instead found Kat, who had taken her spot toward the back of the room. “What crawled up Vanni’s ass?” I asked as I sat next to her and waited for the doors to open.

  She just shrugged and said nothing.

  “If he doesn’t want to refund all these tickets, he’d better get his act together. There’s going to be a mutiny,” I advised.

  “I think he’s putting people in their places,” she commented as she inspected her newly painted nails.

  “I see,” was all I said. “I hope he’s willing to deal with the consequences of that,” I said before I rose and found something else to do. It was about to get real ugly real quick if I determined I was one of those few he was trying to teach a lesson to.

  It was nothing that Alana, Kat and I hadn’t talked about previously, I guess I just had hoped I wouldn’t be on this side of the red velvet rope when he finally decided to install one.

  The Q&A session was a bit like navigating a mine field. Some of the fans expressed their discontent with how things had been running this weekend as opposed to all the other fan events before. Vanni did most of the talking, and explained that under his new label changes had to be made to the show.

  It was a big line of horseshit, but something the ones who were outside of the business might buy.

  They wanted to know about Vanni’s personal life, and he would only say that he was in a relationship with Kat, but everything else was off limits.

  When asked about groupies he stated implicitly that he did not and had not dated them, and anyone who told them otherwise was feeding them a line. He expressed that the groupie/star relationship was imbalanced and doomed from the start, because it was impossible to live up to feelings and expectations that were put into place before the relationship even began.

  By the time the Q&A ended I wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t alienated some of his fans, especially those who believed they had a stronger connection to him than what he was willing to cop to.

  Tawnie left before the Q&A was over, though Talia stayed silent and observed everything from behind an unreadable expression.

  I’m not sure which fact scared me more.

  I didn’t even bother going into the house when I returned to Graham’s that evening. I went straight out to the ocean to clear my head. Obviously he had made up his mind about relationships with “groupies” – and I already knew that was what he considered me to be.

  It really was over.

  Maybe I was a fool to think it had ever really begun.

  Graham gave me some time to get my thoughts together before he finally came to find me. I was shivering and holding myself as I stared unblinking into the ocean.

  In true Graham fashion he simply sat beside me and waited.

  That gesture of respectful kindness broke the dam that had kept all my emotions at bay for so long. I finally leaned over to him and sobbed softly against his shoulder.

  He rubbed my shoulder and kissed the top of my head periodically as he crooned soothing words into my ear. I held onto him as I emptied my soul of the residual pain that had lingered since my relationship with Vanni floundered in February.

  I couldn’t even blame the pregnancy scare anymore. I already knew he had hatched his escape plan from before he left Nashville last Christmas.

  God, had it only been a year? That was when he told me he loved me, and gave me the romantic holiday of a lifetime. And now, a year later, it was over. There I was, crying in another man’s arms, and over what? It was nothing more than an illusion, like all of his shows and the way he’d perform on stage.

  When nothing but hiccupping breaths remained, Graham pulled me up into his arms and walked me back to the house. My teeth chattered from the cold, night air, so I didn’t even bother to speak. Thankfully he didn’t pressure me to talk.

  Instead he perched me up on a barstool near the kitchen counter, and started some water for tea. I tried to smile at him when he retrieved a blanket for my shoulders, but when he kissed me on my nose I dissolved back into tears I didn’t know I had left to shed.

  He finished my tea and placed it in front of me as I continued to sob into my hands. He touched my hair and rubbed my back. “It’s okay, Andy,” he said softly. “Let it out.”

  I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I reached for nearby napkins to try and soak up the deluge.

  “Did he say something?” Graham finally asked.

  I shook my head. “He didn’t need to,” I wailed. “He just put me in my place by treating me like I was invisible.”

  I could see the lines harden in his face. Clearly he was not pleased to hear it.

  “I’m just a groupie like everyone else,” I muttered as I blew my nose.

  “If he thinks you’re just like everyone else then that’s his problem,” Graham told me, but I shook my head. “Hey, I’m the guy you ran to so you could help him in Las Vegas, remember? You weren’t doing that to bed some celebrity. You cared about him. And if he can’t appreciate that then he’s a bigger fool than I realized.”

  “He thinks I slept with you in Vegas,” I admitted. “He thinks I am climbing the ladder to sleep with people even more famous or powerful. Maybe that’s why he’s mad at me now, knowing that I’m staying with you.”

  “People who can’t trust can’t be trusted,” he countered. “I think it’s far more likely he’s just mad that you see him for what he is, rather than the polished image he puts out there for the world. That illusion was shattered in February, when he probably was ready to hit the bricks because of a baby scare. That veneer is cracked and you’ll never see him the same way again.”

  “I guess,” I offered as I started to calm down again. “But I loved h
im anyway. Doesn’t that count for something?”

  “Every time you fall in love it counts for something,” he said as he traced my face with his finger. “And one day you’ll be able to love again. I promise.”

  I tried to smile at him but my face felt completely swollen from the tear fest. He helped me off the stool and walked me to my room. “Get some sleep,” he advised gently. “It’ll look better in the morning.”

  I nodded even though I wasn’t so sure. The next day was the luncheon with Vanni for his birthday. At this point I didn’t even want to be a part of it.

  The next morning it took five minutes of rubbing my face with cold wash cloths to undo the damage from the night before. There were dark circles under my eyes, which were puffy and red. Much as I didn’t like to, I had to employ layers of makeup to look somewhat normal for the challenge ahead.

  I was glad Graham wasn’t around when I finally left for the event, I would have hated for him to think I was trying to get Vanni’s attention. I knew by now that was a lost cause.

  Since George had been up all the previous night with colic, Alana had to skip the last event on our itinerary. It was up to me to set things up and keep the flow going with all the fans, who already knew me by now as one to approach when they were dissatisfied with how things were going.

  I wanted to tell them all to get a grip, that they had no idea what it was like to truly be spurned by Giovanni Carnevale. But then I reminded myself that maybe I didn’t know their whole stories. I had read the fan mail. I knew more than anyone what went on “behind closed doors” with the fans.

  Maybe that was why some of them were as dismissive with me as they were with Kat. They felt that they had a solid connection with Vanni that nothing, even his douche bag behavior, could render null and void.